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So apparently Photobucket realised I was using them to post my pics here and got angry. I will deal with that soonish. For now, sorry, but pictures might be broken.
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Brief update

Just two things I should mention:
1) I know I said that I was moving to Wordpress, and that since then there has only been one entry published on Wordpress. Well, I just haven't been in the mood to write much. I don't really have anything to say.
2) This blog might look different come mid February, bc I am on a paid account and have been for years, but I have decided not to renew. I can't find, nor be bothered to look much more than I have, what changes will happen to my blog once it lapses, so I guess we will just wait and see. I do know that I will have less space for both user pictures and uploaded ones, but I don't know how much less. If you find something weird, let me know on that specific entry, please. Oh, and there might be ads. Maybe. I'm not sure. I think "no ads" was part of the paid account, but I no longer remember and can't be bothered to investigate that either.
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The text that never was (sent)

So I was folding laundry just now, with some music playing - as I often do - on my vinyl player. The record was this really old one - from 1983 - that my mom had on tape when I was growing up, truly a part of my childhood. And then this song starts playing (https://open.spotify.com/track/0ZNSJt61z0xPZs4Rt3x3Cf) and suddenly the "being awake for 38 hours" and "alone on a Saturday night" and all of that hit me and I thought of him. Only for a little while, but I missed him. Not in the "I want him back" way, but looking back fondly and just missing feeling that way about someone who felt the same way. The connection. And then while I was writing this, a song came and went. The song after - funnily enough - is called "I don't think she's in love anymore." So yeah. There we have it. I'm okay. And now I'm going to sleep for a gazillion hours.
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End of an era, end of adolescence

So, it's been three and a half years - almost to the day - since the last episode of One Tree Hill aired on American TV. Today, I finally got around to watching it. I watched a few of the episodes back when it first aired, but suddenly, abruptly, decided to quit. I honestly don't remember why. I still bought the DVD when it was released, though.

I still remember when I first started watching it. I was a little older than them, but not by much. I was in college (the first time). And I stuck with it. I might have been close to giving up a few times, but I didn't. And in a way, I guess I grew up alongside them all along.

I know I said about the previous two or three season finales they had that they should have ended it there, but I guess I was wrong. This was a much better ending than I could ever have hoped for. So goodbye, One Tree Hill, and thanks for the memories.
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I know that I have been really quiet on here for quite some time now. It's not you, it's me. I've just been really quiet in general. Drained, mostly. Like that Linkin Park song from when I was in high school. "One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break". Something like that. School is hard. Well, it's not really. Mostly, what's hard is trying to apply some structure to myself and my life. Because I am terrible at that. Going to bed at a normal hour? Fuck no. Eating properly? Most days I don't have breakfast until 3pm. And if I manage a day without chips, cookies or ice cream as substitution for an actual meal, it's a small miracle. The days I don't have school, getting me to leave the house? IM-possible. Getting me out of jammies? Only if I need to go to the grocery store. Replying to emails? NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. But I am mostly caught up on most of my shows. And those shoes I mentioned in the last entry? Well, the list is down to one pair. So what do I do with my days? I wish I knew. I mostly just sit at home waitin' for someone to come along and find me. (Yes, that's totally an Eve 6 line. From At Least We're Dreaming. In case you were wondering.) And now I sorta lost my train of thought. So goodnight.
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Late night phobias

So, this blog apparently turns thirteen at the end of February. But that's not why I'm on here at 4.23am, writing an entry. I can't sleep. I feel like my body is rebelling against me. My phobias are in full swing, everything is anxiety inducing, and I just want to get out of it for a while but I can't. So I'm just going to write about it.

I know that I am usually quite honest about all kinds of things on this blog. But this will be really brutally honest the way you can only be in the middle of the night when it feels like you are the only person on the face of the earth.

I have a "nooks and crannies" phobia. It can involve all kinds of places on a human body (but mostly limited to my own). Cuticles. That place where your nail and your finger meet. Nail polish going into those places. Piercing holes (my own nose ring was a huge issue some days). Belly buttons. Blackheads. Eyebrow hairs. The way my tongue doesn't always feel like it's the correct size for my mouth. The way you start thinking about your own saliva and then worry that you might suffocate on it because you think you have forgotten how to swallow. The way the inside of your cheek feels when you've bit yourself and can't stop from (accidentally) biting again and aggravating it and slowing the healing. My scalp, especially when it's itchy because I should have washed my hair yesterday. Currently also, because of my bad posture, the way my ribcage and hipbone pinch the flesh in-between because I can't get comfortable. The way my clavicle does something similar. The way my entire skeleton feels like displaced. My cracked and dry hands and knuckles. My entire body is betraying me.

And then, because it's late at night, I can't talk myself down from all this anxiety. Paranoia kicks in from sleepiness, and the depravation of sleep feels like it could literally break me. Despite having only been up for 16-18 hours. It's funny how sometimes I can stay awake for 30+ hours and feel fine, and sometimes I could break down into a sobbing heap over nothing despite having only been awake for 10. And how my brain decides that the best thing for me when I can't sleep is to obsess over it, and start wondering if this insomnia that I have had for - literally - as long as I can remember is not in reality some sort of alien experiment. (Sorry for the over-use of "literally".) So my brain is also betraying me.

The way a White Noise app - that usually relaxes me - only makes me more stressed because I keep thinking "OK, that loop just restarted. That means another minute has passed." and that is not very helpful either. They way it feels like there's a layer of sugar or something on my teeth and maybe I should get up and brush them again. The way everything just itches a little extra. The way you can hear something out on the street and wish it was him deciding to come over and snuggle, but you know it's not. The way I keep switching between first person perspective and every other perspective but can't be bothered to fix it.

The way I just wonder if this stress-related lump in my throat will ever go away. The way I keep thinking of just the right thing to write in my essay, but as soon as I open my laptop to start writing, my mind is blank. The way even writing this makes me literally gag from stress and anxiety and want to curl up into a little ball right here in bed and never get out. The thought of someone beating me to that thing on that eBay auction. The way I worry that I might have too many pairs of shoes. The way I - despite the previous sentence - have a list of three pairs of shoes I desperately need or I might break. How I feel trapped in all of my things because I never finish anything, but still feel a comfort in knowing that all of these things are mine - can't be taken away from me - and will be here waiting for me should I ever get to them. The way I always need pants because I rip them too quickly. How I - despite this - own almost 100 dresses. How I sometimes wonder if I can sit karma down and have a talk, because I just don't get what I'm doing wrong. Why people never answer to emails. Why people are allowed to get offended by something I say but I'm not allowed to get offended by them. Being in love. Not being able to fix things because I can't even figure out what's wrong. The way it in no way eases my mind that all of my bedroom furniture now matches. Or that my kitchen is now DONE. But speaking of done, I think I am. Goodnight. Thanks for listening.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
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Structural - and emotional - dissatisfaction

I know that I have been a bit quiet for a while now. There's a reason for that. There's some stuff going on (the predicament I mentioned in the last entry) that I don't much want to talk about - and I still won't, per se.

Tomorrow, it's - to the day - two years since the first time I met him IRL. I still want to be in a relationship with him, despite all the heartache he put me through in January, and the mental anguish I have inflicted on myself for the past 8ish months since. I still wish that I could talk to him, every day, every minute. Not an hour passes where I don't think of him. Sometimes I wish that I had never put myself in this heartache to begin with, but most days, I just wish that I could give it up already.

A friend has asked me several times over the past few days - what with me obsessing over this "anniversary" - what about him that makes him so special. It's weird. One would think that after two years I'd be able to answer, but I can't, not really. It's just this... thing... We click. He always seemed to get me. Unlike most guys over the past few years, he doesn't fall into a category. There's
1) the guys that just want to get me in bed: "You're fantastic, but I don't want a relationship,"
2) the guys that are all adoring to the point of being a puppy / stalker: "I would do anything for you. Literally. Want a kidney? A kid? A diamond crusted shower head?"
3) the guys that I thought only wanted to get me in bed, but I guess they don't know either: "It has taken me all 18 months of knowing you, and then some, to get to the point where I want to be in a relationship, whether with you or with anyone, and now since you're having a hard time with your ex I'm gonna judge you on that and also I don't want kids.”
And then there's him, who mostly just treats me like a normal fucking person and doesn't kiss the ground that I walk upon, but is seriously attracted to me without being intimidating like type 2. My friend keeps telling me that I give him too much credit. However, I have always thought that he stays in this weird relationship that he shouldn't be in because they're both emotionally abusive, and that he doesn't get that it's not supposed to be like that. But what do I know? I'm probably wrong. I must be, because it seems that he is still in that relationship, and that he has completely forgotten, and is completely unaffected by, the one he had with me for that short while about two years ago. So which one of us is the complete and utter idiot? Yeah, I guess you're right. Me.

(Edit: And the tag was much funnier before LJ alphabetized it. It said "Love, hate, sex, pain, no I'm kidding - it's a Godsmack song".)
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Just a thought

I was chatting with someone, and I told her, regarding a predicament I am in, that I'm clear-headed, cautiously optimistic, head-over-heels in love, and an absolute dreamer, all at the same time. Sometimes I just astound myself in my objective ability. ;)